Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Abstract

The field of couples therapy is undergoing a sea change. It is becoming more and more feasible to help a couple go from Wife: You are always the same—cold, distant, hostile—you are an emotional cripple—I have never felt so miserable. I should have left you years ago, and if you don’t smarten up I’ll do it. Husband: You are so difficult to live with—maybe we would be better apart. All we do is fight. I don’t see the point. to Husband: I do shut down—I am so devastated when you get so angry with me—me—the Big Disappointment. I want you to stop hammering me so I can come out of my shell and we can be close again. I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t tell me that you are leaving. Wife: I just get so scared—so I need your reassurance that you do love me—even if we get stuck in these fights. It’s hard for me to admit how much I need you, but I’m not leaving. I want us to be together. The context for the transformation in couples therapy is the recent expansion of what might be called the “science of everyday life.” The couples therapist can now refer to a body of literature on key variables such as the nature and significance of emotion (Ekman 2003), the nature of marital distress and satisfaction (Gottman 1994), and most significantly, the nature of adult love (Johnson 2003). As long as love was viewed as a random and mysterious process, it was almost impossible for couples therapy to evolve into a viable discipline that might successfully address the quality of couple relationships. Indeed, this therapy modality has often been accused of being simply a set of techniques in search of a theory. It has also traditionally been very much on the sidelines of psychotherapy, the key players being individual therapy and family therapy. Family therapists have always acknowledged that the couple relationship is the foundation of the family but have focused on parent–child interactions. Individual therapists focusing on intrapsychic variables most often miss the power of the client’s present interpersonal context and how this context continually defines the self and shapes affect regulation strategies. But now, at last, it is possible to ground couple intervention on a scientific basis so that it may become a powerful discipline in its own right. In fact, it is fast evolving into a major mental health intervention with the potential not only to heal our most precious relationships but to create relationships that heal. Emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT) is at the forefront of this new discipline.

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